I love you.

How is it so easy for him to just say "go away". I could never come up with the courage to say that to him when he treated me like crap. Because saying go away to him would be like piercing a hole through my own chest.

I thought he knew me. I'm impulsive. I make the wrong choices and I realize that. I just wish he could forgive me. I just don't know how to convince him. I loved you truely. I wish he could read my mind  see that I never intended to hurt anyone. Wish he could see my pain.

The reason why I held on so long was because I still love you. I cant eat properly I cant sleep properly. It's like a dementor has come and sucked my happiness away.  He said it'd make him happy if I went away. So just like that I should leave?  I should go away? It's that easy of a thing to say? At the end of the day you're happiness has always meant the most to me. If my absence brings you joy then I will just slowly walk away. The pain that remains in my chest is excruciating though i hope my memories of you will be enough to censor that pain.

Cold war

So maybe him and I are in the midst of a Cold War. Its awkward how the both of us don't talk about it in person, but really twitter? Twitter is the mode we have chosen?

........I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm really sorry. I know it was childish of me to blab everything out to him.  But whilst you were partying with twenty people in your flat I didn't have one shoulder to even cry on properly. It hurts to know that once again you've made this about yourself  because I could never aim a bullet at you. Athough I know it doesnt matter to you because I'm the one who actually fell in love with you and still am. I just wish you could put yourself aside and see that.

......just wish......because I also know she was the only one you ever loved! 

Indecisive or Indolent?

I cant really decide what I want from my life to be frank? Do I really want to be doctor or should I just be a one of the other billion things I have in mind. As you can figure by now I cant really get my head straight.

.....so let's brainstorm... What am I good at?

When it comes to english well I'm quite outspoken despite the fact that I write like a hallucinated cat.
.......I do know how to dance. Not the ballerina types but I can bust a few moves ( that doesn't count in the real world though) . I do ok with arithmetics. Being culturally diverse is a plus point right? Or is it just cliché? Have the ability to work in groups even though I prefer to work alone that has to be a plus because I know how to fake emotions really well.

......ok that's all I can come up with......so what should I become finally? What field is best for me: business, mass communication, or medicine?

.........medicine certainly NOT!! Not because I don't have the potential but because I just wanna be able to sleep a lot honestly and make money at the same time. Weird ambitions, I know. So maybe I've cut my list down and now I have to pick between business and journalism....

A fool or looking in the wrong place?

Why am I always the unfortunate one when it comes to love?
......"putting yourself before someone" well no one knows that one better than me. Though somehow he always missed out on that. They say when you do good you're not supposed to speak of it. It really makes me question do actions really speak louder than words? Because apparently in my case it never does.

This year should've been devoted to my exam solely. Ahh but wait! the universe had a plan for me and that was to screw my life again because I wasn't traumatized enough. Throughout the relationship its always been me doing everything. I had to be up till 4 to make up for all the missed classes I mean what more of a sacrifice do you need? Instead, he tells me "I used to love you."  ...... Wake up call dude, that's not what you said the day before. This dude didn't even have the balls do break up in person. Gosh! What a pussy.
Still remember all the back and forth I had to do at the mall just to get a valentines basket made. This dude came empty handed FYI, couldn't have plucked a flower even. But that's ok as long as he had the money to buy weed next day. I'm pretty sure though if it was his ex he would've planned the best for her because I was just a side chick he used to get over her. I don't regret it though because when he had no one I was there for him.

......So am I just a fool or am I looking in the wrong place?
Truth is I don't know. Maybe a little bit of both. As far as I'm concerned the old me can suck it because c'est la vie and you can't just let some pussy come by and ruin it for you.